Advice To Tiger Woods: Marry A Black Woman!

Dear Tiger Woods,

I have expressed my undying love for you previously, and that hasn’t changed…completely.  As I sat down at the table with my Mom she informed me that you were up to mistress number 16.  Tiger, my dear, when did you find the time to sleep with all these women?  I mean honestly, between juggling a wife, two kids, and being the number 1 golfer in the world I just don’t understand.  To top it off I just don’t see how your wife didn’t notice a change in your attitude.  I know your world is slowly crashing down on you.  You’ve taken an indefinite break from golf, you’re losing endorsement deals left and right, and to top it you’re probably about to lose half of your multi-million dollar fortune.  So, because of all of these horrible things happening to you I have come up with a solution to your problem: Marry a Black woman. Now I know what you’re think, “A Black woman?  Why that’s just unimaginable.  What will the guys at the country club think about me?” Well my dear, what are they saying about you now?  They’re probably laughing and rejoicing at the fact that now they will have an opportunity to capture a win at the Masters this upcoming April (hopefully you’ll be back before then).

If you marry a Black woman you will never have to worry about any of this happening.  Why you ask Eldrick?  Well, a Black woman knows that it is common for men of power to cheat on their wives so she’s sure as hell not gonna let it happen.  When I say let “it happen” I mean she’s not gonna let you go and stick that precious multi-million dollar wood of yours into 16 women, hell you’d be lucky to even reach two mistresses.  You see, she would have gone through your text messages, voicemails, e-mails, Twitter, Facebook, you name it.  Oh, you have passwords on them all?  Well don’t worry, every Black woman is born with an inner Albert Einstein so she’d figure them out sooner or later.  Trust me, she’s not being nosy just to be nosy.  She’s being nosy because she cares about your relationship and your family. It has been said that you had your affairs in the open basically for everyone to know also.  Well a Black woman would know people in all places.  Whether it’s her cousin that’s working the cash register at the Gucci store that’s in Las Vegas or her soror that just so happens to be dining at the same restaurant as you and your skank guest, she’ll have someone that comes back and tells her.

I am also guessing that in your 30+ years of life you have never seen “Waiting To Exhale,” you know the movie that spoke to EVERY angry Black woman who had been cheated on, was playing second fiddle to a married man, couldn’t find a good man or had a child by a man who wasn’t anywhere in that child’s life?  Understandable, I guess seeing how your mom is of another race.  Well my friend a Black woman would not let any of those things happen to her and if she does she will seek revenge `a la Angela Bassett style (expensive suits+Mercedes {Cadillac in your case}+gas & matches+Angry cheated on Black woman=A call the fire department).  You see, a Black woman is not going to deal with being cheated on and if you’re cheating the mistress better be ten times better than your wife.  That means that if your wife went to Yale for college and majored in Pre-Medicine, the mistress have better gone to Harvard and been magna cum laude with a DOUBLE major in Pre-Medicine and Pre-Law.  You see because the punishment for stepping out with someone that is beneath what you already had will result in even worse punishment.  She married you thinking that you were a good man, and damn it she’s NOT about to go back to talking about how she can’t find a good man again.  Oh no sir!  If there are children in the equation she’s not about to go about taking care of the children by herself. “But I’d provide child support!” Well that’s good to know, but she’s not about to let you mess up her real life Huxtable clan that she aspired for all those years.  It’ll be a cold day in hell before you ruin that for her.

Finally, the most important aspect, all those endorsement deals would still be there for you.  Because for some reason White America will view you as being Black since you married a Black woman, and to White America it’s nothing out of the norm for a Black (yes my friend you are actually Black now) man to cheat.

I hope you take my advice Tiger because it will make life so much easier for you.  Oh and when you do get caught, music is always therapeutic check out this apology mixtape thanks to DJ Sweetz.


Jamila J


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